I am...

Lately, I’ve started being able to feel my tumor. I gather that the liver itself does not have pain sensors, but that the membrane around it does (I certainly felt it during the biopsy…), and it’s starting rub against my ribs. I can see it now, too.

We’ve entered a new level of terror, here. But as of this particular moment, I’m not feeling afraid, so that can wait for another time.

During a workout this week I realized that it is becoming uncomfortable to use my core muscles because it makes the thing rub more. Soon, I will likely struggle to participate in CrossFit in the way I am accustomed to, and perhaps even at all. This realization made me panic in a much different way; feeling my tumor makes me more aware of my mortality, in general, but now I’m realizing that I don’t have to die to have things I love taken away from me. If you follow my posts, you know how important continuing CrossFit is to my mental state. What if I can’t go anymore? So much of my identity is intrinsically linked to Jen, the CrossFitter, and what I my body is capable of that it couldn’t do before I defined myself as a CrossFitter..

Except it isn’t capable of those things anymore. So, who am I, now?

In talking with coach Jen, she sees this from time to time; a person discovers CrossFit, becomes incredibly engaged in the community, is incredibly motivated, sets and meets some goals, and generally improves everything in their lives. But as with any sport, injuries can happen. Now suddenly life itself seems overturned. They often feel like they can’t work out while injured, and so they stop coming to the gym and withdraw from the community. If they haven’t got anything else in their lives to focus that energy, they become demotivated and even depressed.

How best to avoid that fate?

I’ve reinvented my own identity before. Not in the way that a Disney child star repackages their adult image for others, but the way that I see myself. As a kid, I defined myself only academically; I was the smart kid who was good at math. When I started CrossFit, making changes to my diet and lifestyle and building muscle, suddenly there were things other than math that I could do: I could deadlift 275 pounds, squat 200, do a strict pullup. I started to define myself as an athlete, or at least someone who was fit enough to be one, if I chose.

But what I can do has changed. If the ability to do those lifts is no longer part of my identity, is it time to repackage my self-image again? My current “job” is Cancer Patient, and while my cancer experience will always be a part of my identity, I refuse to define myself in that way.

As Dr. Jordan reminded me when I had a meltdown in her office, I can still scale movements and weights even further than I already have (if the zoomers can do it, I’m not sure what I’m whining about….), and there are plenty of other activities I can enjoy to keep moving (I’ve recently started attending Tai Chi. Love it. That’s another post). As I talked it over with coach Jen the next day, it occurred to me that what I am hasn’t changed, just what I can do. This is perhaps obvious on the surface, but what it means is that I don’t need to redefine who I am, I just need to start using adjectives more creatively.

We do this all the time when we write resumes for a career change, massaging the standing description of ourselves to match the job description. For instance, what I do currently is work as a fish population biologist. What I am, though, is a good problem solver (I do lots of maths), and that would still be the case in any job. I can’t lift as much anymore, but I am not suddenly unfit or unhealthy (cancer notwithstanding). I can’t do intense workouts, but I can still be the person who comes in anyway (sorry about the outfit there) to do arm circles from the bench and say hullo to everyone. So as I redefine myself again I’m thinking a little differently this time, and defining myself not by the things I can do in the gym, but by my commitment to be there as often as I can, to keep moving as much as I can, and to continue living all aspects of this healthy lifestyle that I’ve built for myself (nutrition, spiritual/mental wellness, etc.), not just the physical fitness part.

That said, I sure as hell intend to deadlift 300 pounds some day :)